After Survival Mode: Learning Routine, Feeling Again

After Survival Mode: Learning Routine, Feeling Again

Ok, so I owe you an apology for not writing as frequently. First off, I’ve had a nasty cold for a few days. I think I’m finally coming out of it now.

Last week was, for the most part, an ordinary week. The holidays—and the pain that comes with them—are behind me for now. That means things like Whitestone are back in session. I hate to admit it, but at this point in my life, I need routine. Whitestone and Bible studies are part of that structure.

On Thursday (the 8th), I had my weekly Bible study through New Connections Ministries, and afterward I met my mentor for dinner. It’s always good to spend time with him. He’s walked through some of the same things I’ve walked through, and that matters. I started feeling sick shortly after dinner, and by the time Bible study wrapped up, my patience was gone. I also had to be up early the next morning for Men’s Bible study at my church.

I did make it to Men’s Bible study Friday morning, and I’m glad I went. Right after that, I had my individual counseling session. I had to get across town to CFS in the Vanier area. I’m grateful for the counseling, but I won’t pretend I enjoy being in that area. There are too many problematic characters, and it’s not a place I’m fully comfortable.

I was also asked this week to give my testimony at ARM (Addictions Recovery Ministry) at my church. I had originally planned to do this in March, but they needed someone to take the January 20th spot. So I said yes. A lot of my time this week went into writing that testimony, which also explains why this blog post took a bit longer.

I had an interesting realization this week. I don’t hide the fact that I sometimes run my writing through AI to catch typos and improve flow. While working on another post recently, ChatGPT commented on something I wrote. I had said that I feel like a teenager again emotionally—feeling things I swear I never felt before. It pointed out that I’ve likely been in “survival mode” for so long that I wasn’t really processing emotions at all.

That idea reminded me of a verse I hadn’t thought about in a long time:

“Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” — Ecclesiastes 4:6

I spent years chasing survival. Now I’m learning what it means to live with less noise—and actually feel it.

Now that my day-to-day life isn’t filled with the same level of opposition, and now that I’ve started addressing past trauma, I’m feeling a much wider range of emotions. For a long time, I mostly felt numb. Now I have moments where I stop and wonder what is actually happening in my life. As strange as it sounds, my two older kids may be ahead of me emotionally in some ways. That said, the powdered-butt syndrome applies here—I’m not asking my kids for advice on feelings. (If you don’t know what that is, Dave Ramsey explains it well.)

I asked my therapist whether that explanation made sense, and she validated it. That was a relief. I genuinely wondered if I was losing my mind. The counseling session itself was reasonably productive.

I worked Saturday night, my usual 8 p.m. to after midnight shift. Being sick made it rough. I went home and slept as much as I could, which wasn’t much.

Sunday was better. I woke up to see my sleep score was a brutal 14 out of 100. I left early to grab a cheap breakfast at Wendy’s before church. I made it through the service without falling asleep, saw most of the people I wanted to see, and left one conversation for another week when the timing wasn’t right. I got home, took a short nap, and felt a bit more human. Work was quiet, and I got out at a reasonable hour.

The photo attached is from my walk early Sunday morning on the way to breakfast and church. It felt peaceful, and in that moment, it mattered.

It’s Monday night now, and I just finished writing my testimony for ARM. I’m praying it goes well. I’ll be giving it on January 20, 2026, at Peace Tower Church. It starts at 7:00 p.m., with doors opening at 6:30.

Lastly, I had a rather stark epiphany today. I’ve been struggling with gratitude more than I want to admit. I catch myself slipping into a lot of “if only” statements—especially when I’m not feeling well.

If only I had a wife. (Not my current one.)
If only I had more money.
If only I had a bigger place.
If only I had a car.

None of those thoughts actually do anything positive for me. Today, I finally hit a point where I’d had enough moping and made a conscious effort to clear my head of them. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting those things. But there is something wrong if wanting them distracts me from what’s actually important right now.

Right now, I need to focus on taking care of myself and actually recovering. The rest—those bigger wants and longer-term hopes—I need to trust God with. His timing, not mine.

With that in mind, the best thing I can do right now is keep showing up to the life in front of me—one day at a time—and stick to the routine that’s helping keep me grounded.

For the rest of the week, I’m trying to take things as they come. Whitestone tomorrow, work Wednesday, Bible study Thursday, Men’s Bible study Friday morning, and work again over the weekend.

Thanks to everyone who continues to follow along.