Buried Feelings: My Mother Died Alone, and I Don’t Know How to Mourn Her

Buried Feelings: My Mother Died Alone, and I Don’t Know How to Mourn Her

My mother died recently.

I found out she passed alone, in her apartment. No one there. No one calling. No one holding her hand or saying goodbye. She just… disappeared into the silence. I was asked if I wanted to claim the body.

And honestly?

I googled how much it costs to rent a wood chipper.
$325 a day. That’s what came up.

Make of that what you will.

My feelings about my mother are complicated—violent waves that go back decades. She was an addict. Pills, street drugs, anything. She never met a substance she didn’t love more than her kids. Her choices shattered our family. She blew holes in our childhood that we’re still patching up with duct tape and silence.

Because of her, I spent years in the care of children's services. I grew up in chaos. Fear. Abandonment. I know I’ve made my own shitty choices in life, and I’m not sitting here pretending to be blameless. But the pain I carry from her damage is deep. It’s generational. And now I’ll never get the chance to tell her how badly she hurt me.

There’s no closure. No confrontation. No apology. Just a phone call and a question: "Do you want to claim the body?"

She had a social housing unit. That means the clock’s already ticking for me to clean it out. Vacate it. Wrap up a life I barely felt a part of anymore. I’m not emotionally or physically equipped for this. I’ll go. I’ll walk through the apartment, see if anything matters enough to keep. Something sentimental, maybe. Maybe not.

What do you even save from someone who never really showed up?

I’ve been talking to my therapist and what few supports I have. I’ve prayed. I’m trying to find a way to feel something other than this numb, bitter storm. I think what haunts me most is that I never got to scream or cry in front of her. Never got to say, “This is what you did to me.”

Now she’s gone. And I’m left holding that grief alone.

Today's Verse:

Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

**Note: Unless otherwise noted, all images are AI Generated and do not represent any real person or entity.  Any resemblance to any real person is purely coincidental.