Reflecting on #1 Child's Birthday: Co-Parenting Struggles and a Glimmer of Hope

Reflecting on #1 Child's Birthday: Co-Parenting Struggles and a Glimmer of Hope

I haven’t written in a while—and for that, I apologize. Life has been… a lot. Not all bad, but definitely full. These days, I’m doing everything I can to be present for my children. They keep me grounded. They keep me moving. In many ways, they’ve become the compass pointing me forward.

Last week, we celebrated my oldest daughter’s birthday (#1 Child). She came to church with us, which felt like a blessing in itself. Our pastor gave her a book—a simple gesture that meant more than he probably realized. After the service, I took three of the four kids to the Canadian Agriculture Museum. My second-oldest stayed behind—just wasn’t feeling up to it—and I respected that. But the youngest? She was all in.

She’s four, full of fire and curiosity, and fell completely in love with every animal on that farm. That said, she was deeply disappointed she couldn’t ride an alpaca (her imagination knows no bounds) and even more upset that she couldn’t pet the cows due to ringworm precautions. It wasn’t the easiest thing to explain to her, but we made the best of it. Her joy, even in frustration, is something I treasure.

I wish I could share more photos, but nearly all of them feature my kids, and I want to protect their privacy. Just know—there were smiles, laughter, muddy boots, and moments that felt like healing.

We tried to do birthday cake later on, but like most things in my world right now, the logistics got messy. My ex didn’t want me in the house. I have my thoughts about why, but I’ll keep those to myself for now. She suggested we do the celebration at a McDonald’s, but my daughter—the one whose birthday it was—wasn’t into it. In hindsight, she was right.

That McDonald’s playland was sweltering—29°C (84°F) inside. I started to overheat and had to step out briefly to cool down with a sundae. While I was gone, my youngest got her finger caught in the door of the play structure. Somehow, that ended up being pinned on me. That’s the kind of blame I’ve gotten used to, even when it doesn’t make sense.

Later, my oldest told me she knew it wasn’t my fault, but she felt torn—caught between her mom and me. That hurt more than anything else. I’m trying so hard to be a safe space for my kids. I won’t speak poorly of their mom in front of them, no matter how much I might want to. They deserve to grow up without carrying our battles on their backs.

Every time something like this happens, it becomes more clear: my ex and I are not on the same path anymore. I’ve grown. I’ve changed. I’m becoming someone new—someone better. I pray daily for guidance. Sometimes I don’t get the answers I hope for, but I get peace. And peace is enough.

There’s a crossroads ahead. I can feel it. Big choices. Hard ones. But I know I’m not walking alone. I’m asking God to equip me for what’s next.

One small but meaningful shift is coming up on Monday, April 28th—I’ll be working at a polling station downtown. It’ll be my first paid job in almost three years. The day will be long (8 a.m. to potentially 11 p.m.), but I’m excited. It pays $20/hour, and that paycheck, as modest as it may seem, feels like a new beginning. A step toward rebuilding.

Thank you for reading—for walking with me through this messy, beautiful, uncertain journey. I’m grateful you’re here.

Bible verses for this story:

Isaiah 54:17 (NIV)

“No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

James 1:19-20 (NIV)

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Psalm 25:4-5 (NIV)

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”